Parental Alienation Syndrome???

[dustyshoes]

Has anyone here been accused of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)? If so, how have you dealt with it?

I'm venting....But if I need some correction, please set me straight.

Since I denied my ex's recent request for out-of-state summer visitation with the girls (other thread), I've become a target of PAS accusations from him and his Florida gf. Thinking things might get MUCH worse before they get better. It just doesn't make any sense to me.

I'm not the one who willingly abandoned the marriage for another person. I'm not the one who forfeited weekends and holiday time with my children to be with someone else (while living in the same town). I'm certainly not the one who secretly packed up and moved 1,000 + miles away from my children to be with yet another person (let alone, to escape financial responsibilities). I'm not the one who's voluntarily forfeited scores of visitation days either.

Instead, I am the one who faithfully took our girls to DivorceCare for Kids (good program) right after he filed for divorce and I currently take them to therapy each Monday (we tried to include him in sessions via telephone, but he skipped out and the therapist gave up on him). I am the one who comforts the girls when they are upset about their daddy not being here for them. I am the one who encourages them to call and email him or answer the phone when he calls them. I can't force them to do either. (They don't talk to him very much now, since he twists their words...just like he twists mine.)

I do admit, early on, that when the ex moved out, I battled depression 10-fold. (still medicated) I wanted to literally hide away and die! If I didn't need to be responsible for my children's wellfare during the whole ordeal, I probably would have ended it all. The girls knew I was depressed and heartbroken. Hard not to. We often cried together. And I'm sure they felt a loyalty toward me....but they (we) loved their daddy and had hoped he'd change his heart and come home. For the past year, our seasoned therapist required us to be "together" during most of our sessions. Meaning: they've heard my struggles regarding their father. (I haven't been blunt ugly in tone (I refrain a lot), but they are good at decyfering my comments.) Obviously, they spend more time with me and less with him...uh...because he's not here. (Out of sight, out of mind.) So, I guess, in a minor way, PAS can be defined. But, whose fault is it? How could/can it be prevented?

Without airing too much dirty laundry, I'm dealing with a man who's totally changed from the one I met, married and vowed to grow old with. This man (under the influence of yet another woman) has willingly made false accusations to DHS. I spent Valentine's Day 2008 visiting with a Child Protective Services case worker. LOL now. Case was cleared/closed. But, he can always make another accusation at any time. I am also dealing with a man who called the local police twice in 2009 for "welfare checks" because he was mad at our younger daughter for not wanting to talk to him on the phone. Frankly, I would rather avoid conflict.... So, I'm "overly-cautious" with the ex. I didn't ask for any of this. Certainly wouldn't wish it on anyone either.

I realize you just are hearing my side of this little "affair", but I really have tried to make the ex part of our children's life. I don't know him anymore, so I don't see it from his side (again...1000 +miles away). Maybe I don't know enough about PAS to know whether I'm guilty of it or not. I just don't want to hurt my children.

Needing your wisdom on this PAS thing.

[LSL]

All you can do is laugh at this point. Here is a link to what it means: http://www.paskids.com/.

My hope is that you have documented this whole time your ex's lack of visits and missing visits with kids. You didn't do this, these were his decisions, not yours. Most the time dealing with this, is when the parents live in the same state. He is going to have a hard time arguing this when HE LEFT THE STATE. Your oldest child doesn't want to visit with him because of the distance, not because it is him.

In addition, you said no because there is no legal protections for your child, not because you don't want him to see them. So this is just plain bull.

[MotherBoard]

we have some articles in our base here...
http://singleparentsnetwork.com/cgi-...n=Find+Article

[sara1]

I have read a great deal on PAS (probably have someone I could accuse of it) but the fact that he wont participate in the counseling , doesnt keep his visits AND moved 1,000 miles away makes this a little laughable in my humble opinion

[Bluemoon]

Seriously, he is just being an idiot. Would actually probably do you a favor if he tried to take it to court. What a demonstration of absurdity THAT would be!

[dustyshoes]

Thanks everyone for letting me vent and helping me better understand PAS.
Those articles came in handy too. Good references!

I guess there's no need for me to be concerned about the ex's threats or name calling. My self confidence is getting better with time. And...I'm sure worse things have already been said about me...whether a truth or a lie. Yep, this rose does have thorns. LOL

Oh yes, I have documentation to the hilt. Hope I never have to use it, though.

Appreciate your guidance and humor.

[confused1996]

What a..... . Everyones right let him try he will be laughed out of court. Yours doing an awesome job at being the mom just keep up the good work. hugs

[acraisydaisy]

We did divorce care last year. It truly is a great course, I didn't finish though...things got too overwhelming....I sort of fell apart at that time. As it was around Christmas.

Dustyshoes, I think you are doing great as a mom!

---------- Post added at 01:10 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:04 PM ----------

I have never heard of PAS here...I saved the info and will read more into it tonight. ty

[dustyshoes]

Here's the latest. Last week, I replied (with the help of an attorney) to the ex about his visitation issue, which I'll post on the other thread. He hasn't replied to me about it...or maybe the following was his way of replying.

He "graciously" sent me two separate articles on PAS. The first one was "Symptoms of Parental Alienation" by Douglas Darnall, Ph.D. I googled it and found the article to be a legit document. http://www.parentalalienation.com/ar...tal-alienation It contained a list of possible culprit symptoms to PAS and I want to share the last one. "20. One way to cause your own alienation is making a habit of breaking promises to your children. In time, your ex-spouse will get tired of having to make excuses for you." I'm assuming he didn't read the whole article before he sent it....or he would have deleted that part.

The second email was a partial cut/paste of another article (no reference). So, I found the original version in "A Guide To The Parental Alienation Syndrome" by Stan Hayward, Research Officer, Families Need Fathers Anyway. www.fathersforlife.org/divorce/pas The actual article is quite lengthy. The ex picked what he wanted out of the part that discusses BEHAVIOUR PATTERNS OF THE MOTHER. He even rearranged it to get his point across.

I replied to neither of the emails.

The reason I'm even bothering with this update is now there's another kid in my proverbial sandbox. The Florida CSED recently filed contempt against the ex for non-payment of child support. The first week of March, he'll have to attend a court hearing. Mind you, I'm no fan of the operations or success of CSED. Nor, do our children depend on the child support we have yet to receive. I am just happy the program is available. I'm not sure if the ex knows about the hearing since the letter was sent to a mail box he rarely checks. (not my problem) But, once he gets wind of it, history foretells trouble ahead. I'm certain he'll find other ways to strike out at me. I suspect crying PAS will be his main weapon of choice. I don't resemble the PAS characteristics, so I'm not worried. I'm just tired of it all.

What happened to the man I married?

[Bluemoon]

This guy is quite a piece of work, huh. Well, it's a strong testiment to his own stupidity for him to think that you would be stupid enough to fall for that BS. Cut, paste a re-arrange indeed. What an idiot!

[dustyshoes]

Yep, but this reality doesn't reflect well on me for falling in love with him and rearing his offspring. Surely the signs were already there. Shame on me.
My only cop-out is "opposites attract". And "Love is blind". LOL

We did make some beautiful young ladies, though. I don't regret that.

[littlefoot_223]

ya know Dusty, I don't realy think that it reflects on you or how you are as a person. it just shows his own stupidy

[FlyingDevildog]

hmmmmmmmm PAS
now that sounds like what "She" has done to me.
thanks I will be reading up on this.

Dawg